So little time, so much time....

Hello blogging world.

I know I've been very neglectful of this blog as of late.  I guess I'm being a bit lazy.  It's summer and I tend to want to be outside as much as possible; not inside in front of a computer.  I actually have to do that for my job and at the end of the day, I'm just not interested in going home to do it some more.

Soooo.....

I've also been spending some of my spare time contemplating my life and all the different elements that make up that life.  I've had plenty of time to do that while I'm at the lake.

I've been thinking about my relationship with God and all of the beliefs that have been hand-fed to me over the years.  I've been sifting and sorting, doing a bit of housecleaning in my brain.  I've come to realize that all these doctrines and duties have come between me and God.  It's so hard to have a relationship with someone when there are so many others trying to be in the middle of it.

I've also been giving some consideration to all the personal relationships I have in my life.  This has been prompted by the realization that someone near and dear to me has a mental disorder; one that was undiagnosed for way too many years.  As I've come to understand the ramifications of this disorder, it's made me realize that it has affected many of my other relationships.  Even more so, who I've chosen to have relationships with.

It has skewed my ability to recognize what is healthy and what is not.  More importantly, I've come to realize that the messages from all these unhealthy relationships has skewed my relationship with God.

So, I am contemplating all these realizations and thinking about how to go forward.  My doctor gave me permission to take 1/2 hour to myself every day.  In fact, she prescribed it.  While she's a spiritual person, she isn't a Christian (at least as far as I know).  Interestingly, she told me that I should spend that half hour of quiet and peace (no people, no noise, just nature) in reading my bible and meditating/praying to God.  Imagine...I needed a prescription from my doctor for a half hour alone by myself.

But I did.  There was no way to get it otherwise.  If I tried to spend time alone at my house, I would have been accused of trying to hide something.  I'm not lying, it has actually happened already.

So, from now on, I don't go home right away.  I take half an hour by myself before I get there. 

I spend time reading my bible and just sitting quietly in God's presence.

No doctrine.

No "performance spirituality" (stolen from a new found friend...hope he doesn't mind)

No negative messages.

Just peace, quiet, and resting in the realization that God loves me just the way I am.

I'm discovering that I need to surround myself with people who don't feel the need to fix me or mine, people who only want to give positive messages and are respectful towards me.  People who listen, in love, and then hold my deepest secrets in their heart without throwing it back in my face (or sharing it with someone else).

I am mostly discovering that I am a good person, with a huge capacity to love....and that it's okay to set boundaries with others.

So, be forewarned, if you think there is something wrong with the way I think or that how I live or do things is wrong, you have every right to think so...but you have no right to tell me so.  Keep your negative words to yourself....I've heard enough for a lifetime and I refuse to hear any more.

I'm sorry if that sounds very harsh or un-Christian-like.  It's just the truth from my heart.

I'm not angry.  I'm just tired; tired of performing like a circus-monkey for treats.  That's not what God wants from me and I am slowly coming to understand this and believe it.

So understand that I am truly not angry or feeling sorry for myself or thinking that world is out to get me.  I am just choosing to make better choices in my life...choices based on loving God and Him loving me, not on what others think.

This is very freeing, because it opens me up to trust in Him and Him alone.  And it opens me up to freely love everyone else.

God is still working me.

You are welcome to stick around and see His finished workmanship.

Grace and peace,
Sue