Why God is a Priority for Me

I’m back!

Ok, so I need to answer the question of “Why is God a priority for me?” In order to do that, I need to go back in time and give you a bit of history.

I grew up in the Catholic Church. I received most of the sacraments, from baptism to confirmation. (Yes, I once confirmed my faith in the Catholic Church.) We went to church every Sunday; we kids went to CCD and Catechism class as well. Our parents were quite strict in comparison to my other friends (or at least it seemed that way to me). But I have to tell you, that is where our relationship with God ended. During the week, I have no recollection of praying. We said grace during important religious holidays, like Christmas and Easter, we observed Lent by having fish (or no meat) on Fridays and I always tried my best to give up something during this time.

So I grew up knowing all about God and Jesus. Kind of like, I know all about our President…..but I don’t really KNOW him. Same with God. Never really KNEW Him or understood Him. He was a distant, large looming figure that really intimidated me more than anything.

When I hit my teens, I rebelled. I rebelled against my parents and against God. I loved the world and what it had to offer. I had my first cigarette in the 5th grade and my first alcoholic drink in the 6th grade. I smoked my first joint in 8th grade. I was snorting speed pills in high school and took my first (and last) hit of LSD during that time. Cocaine was an occasional luxury.

I met my first husband while still in high school. We became engaged when I was a senior and married when I was 19. I went to work and life settled into a routine; working, coming home and getting high, then doing it all over again. Until I had my first child. A baby makes you grow up quite fast and I loved this little person so much, I didn’t want to mess him up.

But marriage to my first husband turned into a nightmare. He was emotionally abusive. I couldn’t wear makeup because he thought I was trying to make men look at me, he called me and my friends names (which I can’t write here), and the final straw was when he got mad at me for some reason and punched a wall with his hand (making a hole); I knew the next time it could very well be my face. Rumors were going around about him having an affair on me. I left him and went home to my parents.

I’d spent years under my parents thumb, never feeling like I lived up to their expectations, doing my best to be the perfect daughter and receiving no love for my efforts. And I’d spent years in the same situation with my husband. After living for years in what felt like a prison, I was finally free….and I let loose.

Life became one big party. The weekends my son was with his father, I was clubbing it with my girlfriends, dancing and drinking; getting high and feeling empty. Nothing ever seemed to fill the void. I met my current husband during this time. He was in the same place as me…drinking and getting high…it was the one thing we had in common. It was this way for years, even after we had 2 children of our own. Every day was spent either high or drunk. Looking back, it amazes me that no one took our children away. But you see, I was a highly functioning drunk and druggie. I got up, went to work, and climbed the ladder. For a woman with only a high school education, I went pretty far. No one in my workplace really knew the extent of my addictions. I suspect my family had a clue, but if they knew how bad things were…well shame on them for not rescuing my kids.

The day finally came when I was sick and tired. I was just so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had spent my life trying to be perfect, trying to find a love that was unconditional, wanting some sense of normalcy and security, just a little bit of peace. I had spent so long trying to fix myself, trying to control everything around me. Oh, so tired I was.

And so the journey began. I didn’t realize it at the time, but God had begun putting people in my life that would nudge me, just a bit, here and there. I started searching for answers. I knew there was something bigger than me out there. I knew God was there. Believe it or not, I had never stopped believing in Him. But He had never been approachable, in my eyes.

And then He placed two people in my life that would open my eyes. One was my boss who very patiently answered my many questions about God and who explained the Gospel to me in a way I had never understood. And then my sister gave me a book to read. There was one little part of that book that made all the difference. It explained, in simple terms, that I would never be able to fix myself on my own. It explained that I could release the burden I had placed on myself so many years ago. I could release it to God and that He would be more than happy to take over. So, lying in bed one night, I let it all go. I admitted that I could not save myself, that I couldn’t fix anything that was wrong in my life, and I admitted that I needed help. I literally said “Ok God, it’s all yours. Take it.”

And He did.

I woke up the next morning with such a weight gone from me that it was startling. But it felt so good. From there, he began removing the addictions from my life. He turned me around and put me on a new path. I did none of it on my own. Today, I stand here with no desire to smoke one cigarette, not one joint, not one ounce of alcohol.

I am forever grateful to Him for rescuing me. No one else was capable of doing this, not even me.

Not such a small bit of history. But there is more.

That’s next post.